it was like having sex with a tree stump
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
