It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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