I am in a vortex of obligation.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
