his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
