what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
That's how pantless uber rides happen
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
