my mouth tastes like poor choices
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
