The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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