I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have fence marks all over my body
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
