i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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