mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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