I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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