I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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