He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
