he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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