I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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