i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My bed smells like the plague
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
