I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
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