She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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