How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
