last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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