Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
