Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
