he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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