Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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