Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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