Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Randomize
