my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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