Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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