so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
