I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
