I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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