Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
