Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
