to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
