im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Drunk is a universal language darling
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
