He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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