So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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