I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
