I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Randomize
