so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
