im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
