Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
