hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
