Soap is not a condiment
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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