dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
