can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
