i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He passed out mid-signature
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
