He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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