cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
