I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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