Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
