Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
