Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
