as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
