Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
