There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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